Confession.
The exact second I heard your pleading voice for another of my unhinged doors to open, I knew this was going to happen. It was inevitable. It was fated. What else could have been staring at me in the face with a forebodingly apathetic vice? An indifferently threatening addiction? We were always the pawns of condemnation, never have been anything more than that. I was a fool to believe otherwise.
Please. Relish it. Relish the nights I let you through my walls again and you destructed them to every last splinter of cement. Please. Relish the seconds I forgot to lock my windows and yet you shattered it down to its thinnest frame, knowing I felt safe enough with you around. Please. Relish it.
You should have known the law of physics that says there’s always tension between two sides of a thread and you should have known the universal knowledge that it’s going to have to break at one point or another. Every thread breaks if given more than enough weight. I know I am a fool, but aren’t you the more foolish one if you didn’t see that coming?
I’ve always rhetorically asked myself what’s happiness in the face of all this but little did I know the answer would be laughing in front of me. Happiness is simple. Happiness is easy. At least it used to be. I was wrong, so very wrong to think spinning the bottle could be worth it because a gamble is a gamble, and with you, there’s nothing else for me but a slow painful loss.
Fate only has its way with the ones who always told me not to listen to what other people say but you know what? That’s hypocrisy at its best and it’s come to bite me now. I listened to them when they said I shouldn’t listen to other people and I was a fool because honestly, what were they exactly? Yes. People. This wouldn’t make much sense but the only thing that’s clear now is that I’d swear to the moon I’ve learned my lesson. My ears are deaf.
Who would’ve thought I’d feel it again this soon? That amazing sensation of having your feet unwilling to move, like stupid statues in a stupid park. Feeling your head spin around like you’re on a stupid, stupid carousel. (In a way, it’s metaphorical with how we can’t avoid going around in circles, isn’t it?) Having your lips stutter out words that seem fine, so stupidly fine.
The exact second you spoke ever so bravely, asking for your millionth chance, I knew this was going to happen. It was inevitable. It was fated. But the exact second I replied ever so naively, giving you what you were asking for, I thought some things could change with history. I know now that I was wrong, that I am wrong, but I’m not mad. I’m not the least bit cross, so you don’t have to worry.
But please just stay still. You should know I’m the only one now who holds the right to walk away.
