could it have been any more mindless
i should have known with the nine hundred
ninety ninth chance that the thousand would
only be as cruel, as agonizing, as painful
but no, wise one, i won’t sway to betrayal tonight
i gave you every ounce of forgiveness despite
knowing you’re nothing but filth trying to
surpass its way into love, into something more
i gave you every little chance i could despite
knowing you’re going to tear me down slowly
so please don’t try to find any deeper word from me
than — you should have known
[i should have known]
forgiveness; twentieth of the sevens
suppose you saw me leave
suppose i forgot to close the door - not a fraction of an inch
oh, but that’s who i am
who i’d always rather be
my mother always used to reprimand the little girl i once was
for i echoed footsteps there
i departed somehow here
never securing doors properly, never leaving completely
farewell’s only credence
while we remain such fools
suppose i can never cross bridges and not dare look back
forgiveness is a disease
i always, always forgive
suppose i hurt and fell down the stairs because i forgot
oh i forgot to close doors
or maybe somehow maybe
there’s something unclear with how i never leave completely
oh, how i can’t touch locks
how i can never close doors
i can never leave anymore
but to my insatiable psyche’s content i do shatter windows —
[dare open faded locks i shatter]
Why can’t I
stop smiling
Please come
over here —
and untangle
my lips from
this state
Involuntary
smiles are
the worst
kind there is
Can’t you
just see —
I am here
and I am
going crazy
[Why can’t I
stop smiling]
# nineteen
oh those city lights
still hold too much memories
we can’t burn, ignite
oh those could’ve beens
still hold us to the winter
no more rain come spring
oh those songs we sang
still hold words we force useless
we’ll never accept
oh is it that strange
that the reason i heal now
is why i’m wounded
[i n t h e f i r s t p l a c e]
# eighteen
why would you want this
you extricate everything
slowly out of me
lead me out of here
take my hand and burn it, burn
then i could go away
goodbyes too many
this wouldn’t be different
but what if it is
i could take a risk
by choosing you over me
but no, i wouldn‘t
you would not have to worry
every second that passed is gone
all that’s left —— a solitary casualty
between devastated queens and pawns
it’s over, darling, pretenses for atonement
only fools believe something as foolish as fate
the waning and waxing and disappearing crescent
reminds me at nightfall all wars have ends and postdates
wounds, abrasions on fingers surrendering to you
the blood shed is more than enough, i give up
can these callings of defeat be construed
remove these ties, take off these cuffs
walk ahead soldier, please leave town
war is over and done with here
i’m laying all my cards down
[i ’ m l a y i n g a l l m y c a r d s d o w n]
The antagonism of Reason says that
Every word out in the world could only
Level thoughts in every person’s mind and
Learn its meaning through its made existence
My “almost”, enlighten me now of your Reason
Envision all that you yearned to say for too long
(because)
Without your lies there’s none I would thrive for
Heartened logic is all that will claim ends
You never needed to perjure further
You and I went up the hill
and built our dreams on wooden swings
and found ourselves indulged in lights
of our eyes, wrecked fires, the city
and learned the truth – “what’s yours is mine”
to fetch a pail of water
of innocence’s drowned down being
naive things in buckets we spilled
we played with whiskey and the rain
and learned the truth – “we’re never safe”
You fell down and broke your crown
we danced in wisps of smoke and leaves
in fall, we fell than just downhill
I fell for you unknowingly
and winter’s truth – “you fell for me”
and I came tumbling after
but never the world seemed to mind
that Jack and Jill lost who they were
lost everything they’ve known and learned
not through hills but through each other
